Monday... How I Met Your Mother... Ep. 2-16... "Stuff"

From TV.com: Lily gets asked to be in a play. Robin discovers the source of a lot of Ted's stuff and Ted discovers the source of Robin's dogs. They have a fight and ask the rest of the gang to rule on the matter.

Ted: Oh my god, Van Helsing is on. Remember when we went to see it? We sat in the back row...
Robin: I've never seen Van Helsing.
Ted: Oh that's right, I saw it with my sister.

Robin: My boss just got back from Maui, he said it was really romantic.
Ted: Oh, it's so romantic.
Robin: When were you in Maui?
Ted: I went... with... Robin (joining in): my sister!
Robin: Why do you always say that?

Lily: Hot off the presses!
Barney: I don't take flyers.
Marshall: You took one two seconds before you walked in here!
Barney: That's different, it was for a strip club. Two bucks off wings! How much is your flyer gonna save me on wings?

Ted: Really? You can't look at a pillow without seeing my ex girlfriend? A pillow!?
Robin: Yes, Ted, the fact that you still have that pillow is creepy and gross!
Ted: You're creepy and gross!
Robin: Your mom is creepy and gross!
Lily: Order! Order!

Barney: I side with Robin. Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.

Ted, 2023 (Narration): New York is famous for its theatre. But there's many different levels. There's Broadway, off-Broadway, off-off Broadway, homeless people screaming in the park, and below that, the play Aunt Lily was in.

Actor 1: I am rage!
Actor 2: I am greed!
Lily: I am rage - ENVY!

Lily: If you were in a play, I'd sit through the whole thing and I'd compliment you on it afterward.
Barney: Oh really, you would?
Lily: Yes!
Barney: Bad move, Aldrin. Bad move.

Robin: Oh my God, you've been robbed!
Ted: Nope.
Robin (pauses): All that stuff was from old girlfriends? Don't you buy anything for yourself?
Ted: What can I say? Papa gets swag.

Lily: He's really having trouble dealing with this, huh?
Robin: Yeah, he really is. It's got me thinking maybe I should get rid of my dogs. Might be time to send them to the farm.
Lily: You're going to kill your dogs?!
Robin: No! there really is a farm! My aunt has a farm upstate.

Robin: My aunt is awfully lonely up there, it's just her and her lover Betty.
Lily: Oh that's perfect, they love dogs!
Robin: "They," what do you mean by "they?"
Lily: Uh... people upstate - Oh look it's starting! Shh!

Barney: Moist. Moist. Moist. Moist.
Ted 2023 (Narration): That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show. Then we endured about 20 minutes of this.
[Barney shoots Lily with a water gun]
Barney: I have to go refill. I'll be back in a moment - play's not over!
Marshall: I never get picked for audience participation.

Sunday... The Simpsons... Ep. 18-13... "Springfield Up"

Quotes.

Young Homer: I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball!

Wiggum: And here we are in now-times! As you can see, I've gotten everything i've ever wanted.
Lou (quietly): Except pants that fit.
Wiggum: I told you that if I let you in this movie, you couldn't make fun of me.
Lou: I'm not makin fun of you, I'm makin fun of your pants!
Wiggum: How'd you like if it I made fun of your pants?
Lou: Go ahead.
Wiggum: they're a little uh, th-they..Oh, they're perfect.

Desmond: Don't look at me, look at the camera.
Young Homer: Got it.
Desmond: I said look at the camera.
Young Homer: No problem. (looks down)
Desmond: Now you're looking at a mud puddle. That's your hand. That's the production accountant, that's your other hand! Do you even know what a camera is?
Young Homer: Gah, of cour-No.

Desmond: Are you two considering children?
20s Homer: Puh, kids? No way. You'll never see a couple of rugrats tying me down!
Homer (8 years later): You better not put this shot after the one where I said I won't have kids. That would be a devastating edit.

Desmond: You win, Homer. I guess there's no way I can embarrass you any further.
Caption: Barely literate, Smells like feet.

Young Moe: Oh crap, my first kiss.
Young Comic Book Guy: You could do a lot worse, my friend.

Desmond: Homer Jay Simpson, your fabulous millionaire lifestyle is all a lie!
Lisa (coming in the room): Oh, Father. My pony Buttercup can jump ever so high! -- Ooh boy, it's Mr. Burns!

Burns: I've heard enough. Release the hounds.
Smithers: Uh sir, your hounds are still at the winter house.
Burns: Well, bring them over in that Du-rango.

Homer: All these years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted! Hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.

Thursday... My Name Is Earl... Ep. 2-16... "The Birthday Party"

I think for half-hour sitcoms, I may just write down quotes instead of trying to blog, since a lot of times there isn't a linear story to follow.

Randy: It's an ice cream cake. That's your favorite kind of cake because it's got ice cream in the middle. Just like your favorite kind of truck does. You know, an ice cream truck.

Earl (Narration): A few years ago I was into some show where guys acted like jackasses. I think it was called "Dumbass."

Earl: Hey, Nescobar A-loplop, how's the English comin'?
Nescobar: I speak better than you, bitch!

Earl (interrupting Crabman): Yeah, yeah. I know, I've done some bad things, I'm aware of that. I've written them down. But I've done some good things too - I raised your son for five years, let's not forget about that!

Donny Jones: I listened to a whole Phish album! And it sucked!

Neighbor: He saw Jill doin' it with Doug, He saw Karen doin' it with clamps on her nubbies.
Karen: Hey!
Neighbor: It's ok, he saw me doin' it with clamps on my nubbies too! Thanks for lettin me borrow your nubbie clamps.

Joy (yelling out the window): We're gonna do stuff from the Kama Sutra, where i sit cross-legged and wiggle while you hold it for two hours like Sting does!

Joy (yelling out the window): It's time for spankings! But not for our kids, we're good parents. We use timeouts. It's time for momma spanking, cause I've been a bad girl!

Earl: How many G's in pregnant?
Joy: What do I look like, a professor of spellin'? Just put it on there, and do it soon.

Earl: You got great boobs, Peggy.
Deedee: My name's Deedee.
Earl: You got great boobs, Deedee.
Deedee (sincerely): Your momma sure raised a sweet talker.

[Earl finds Deedee's wooden leg in the bed]
Earl (jumping up frantically): Oh my God, oh my god!
Deedee (offscreen): You want me to whip up some eggs?
Earl (shouting): Shut up, I'm thinking! I mean, sure.

Deedee (offscreen): Earl, can you come in here and give me a hand?
Earl (to himself): A hand? there's a hand?

Randy: We thought tricking you would be funny. Like when you tied that rope to my foot? But instead of rope, it was mean words about things you've done that made you wanna hate yourself!

Crabman: Hey Earl, can I give you your cake now? The wind from the bullet hole in the wall keeps blowing out the candle.